You DO NOT have to be Jewish to read this blog. I just ask that you not be anti-Semitic. I know, it’s so exclusionary of me, right?
NOT SURE? ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS:
1. Do you still cut grapes or hotdogs for your teenage child? If “No,” would you if you could?
2. Have you ever responded to a pair of shoes on sale with a more orgasmic sound than you’ve made in the last decade while having actual sex?
3. Do your parents hold things over your head that you can’t fix. ie: Time spent with grandchildren and or you? Amount of phone calls they receive? The money they spent to send you to college, grad school, or on your wedding?
4. Does your mother or grandmother steal Sweet N Low, saltine, and or jelly packets from restaurants?
5. Do you say, “I have to make,” when you need to use the bathroom?
6. Do you know what a pupik is?
7. Will your child still be in a booster when she gets her license?
8. Have you ever used the phrase Oy Vay or it’s modern reincarnation OMG?
9. Do you like classic comedies that your kids don’t really get the way you did? Like: Airplane, Caddy Shack, Fletch, The Three Amigos (let’s just say anything with Chevy Chase, Steve Martin Bill Murray, or old Eddie Murphy), Monty Python, Spinal Tap or anything with Chris Guest?
10. Is your immediate reaction to a cough to take your child to the Dr., but then you remember all the other children that may be sicker at said Dr.’s office and then rethink going? Or if you do go, you try to sneak your child into the “well” side. I mean you’re kids not sick sick right?
11. Do you live in the type of place where news of you finding yourself on the “well” side with a coughing kid could be spread faster than anything the “sick” side has to offer?
12. Do you call a purse a pocketbook?
13. Do you think Judd Apatow is the new John Hughes for our generation?
14. Do you know the difference between Nova and Lox?
15. Do you know what a shiksa is?
16. Do you have a ridiculously good sense of humor?
17. Do you gauge your liking of people by how much they like you?
18. Would it take a Chanel bag or something similar to make you perform oral sex after marriage?
Are you anti-Semitic? (Sorry to ask again, but the question bares repeating. I thought maybe I’d catch you off guard.)
Okay, if you answered Yes to any of the above except the last, you’re good, so let’s get started, please sign up for the email so you can see when this crazy Jewish bitch and her crazy Jewish Mom’s Gone Wild post again. If you’re thinking we’re gonna be like the Beastie Boys, than you totally get it!