You Are Such a Bubbie | Lola is 40

5 Jan

Written By -  Lori Stefanac – Lola is 40

So, the other day, I was having coffee with a friend when I take out my lipstick case, hold the teeny, tiny mirror up to eye level, and reapply my lipstick.

“OH MY GOD! YOU ARE SUCH A BUBBIE!” my friend cries. (‘Bubbie’ being the name of a Jewish Grandma, for all of my non-Jewish friends).

I look around. I KNOW she’s not talking to ME because I’m a hot, blonde, fortysomething but look more like a thirtysomething MILF for God’s sake!

Wait.  She’s looking at me and tears of hysterical laughter are streaming down her face. She repeats the offending sentence,

“YOU ARE SUCH A BUBBIE!”

“I am?” I ask, suddenly aware of the little old ladies surrounding us who all seem to have MY lipstick case in tow.

Well, I have to dispute this argument.  My pride is at stake. So I say,

“WOULD A BUBBIE DO THIS?”  I take out my stash of coke and cut lines across my little makeup mirror, snorting them all up with my coffee stir.

Ok that didn’t happen.  I don’t even know what cocaine looks like and have never snorted anything other than nasal spray during a particularly bad allergy season.  But I DID imagine that scenario, and after I was done daydreaming, I noticed that my friend was STILL laughing at me.

So?  I’m Bubbie-like.  Big deal.  I don’t think it’s something I can change.  My mom is a Bubbie and I share many of her mannerisms and behaviors.  It’s cemented in my DNA.  What can I do about it?  Not a whole lot.

Well, I’m not going to fight it. In fact, I’m going to do quite the opposite.  I am going to EMBRACE my “Bubbieness”.

No. I’m going to do more than that.

I am going to make being “Bubbie-like” the COOLEST…no!  The HOTTEST thing around.

EVERYONE is going to want to get their “BUBBIE” ON!

That’s right, BIATCHES! Listen up!

This is what I am going to do:

I am going to throw a little cardigan over my shoulders when I’m chilly.

I’m going to apply lipstick using my hand held compact mirror, complete with miniature light. Then I’m going to blot in a napkin.

I’m going to send soup back because it’s not hot enough.

I’m going to take 10 minutes fishing my reading glasses out of my massively ginormous, bigger than my entire torso, handbag so that I can read the menu when I order lunch (goodness gracious they sure make this print small, don’t they?)

I’m going to special order EVERYTHING!

“Yes, I want the cobb salad, but can you CHOP it?  And can you put the eggs, tomatoes and dressing on the side?  Can you leave off the cheese?  Unless you have feta. No? Then, no cheese. And is your Balsalmic HOMEMADE?  no? Then do you have a light italian?”

I’m going to put my seat down as low as it will go in my car so that all you see is the top of my head and my little out-stretched arms as I drive by, and I’m going to leave my turn signal on ALL THE TIME!

I’m going to wait until there’s a huge line behind me at the grocery store and then I’m going to pay with A CHECK.

I am going to devote my life to MahJong. “CRACK”  ”BAM” “DOT”  ”MAHJONG, BITCHES!”

I’m going to call everyone “Honey, Sweetheart, Doll” and other terms of endearment that only a grandma or a waitress working at Mel’s Diner can get away with.

I’m going to take out tissues from my purse, spit in them and then use them to rub the SCHMUTZ off your face.

I’m going to use the phrase “OY VAY IZ MIR!” at least a dozen times in a day.  And when I don’t care for someone?  I’m calling him a SCHMENDERICK.

And that’s just for starters.  You people aren’t gonna know what hit you.

SO, LOOK OUT MOTHAFUCKAS!  LOLA IS HERE and she’s BUBBIELICIOUS!

(Oh, and will you be a DOVE and get my cardigan?  It’s chilly in here.)

Lori Stefanac:
Lori is the creator of the wildly amusing humor blog, Lolais40.
She is a happily married Jewish mommy with 3 boys.
It should also be known that  she married a Shegetz. That means a “non Jewish dude” in Yiddish.
Actually, he converted to Judaism, but at the time Lori’s pretty sure he just thought he was ordering some good Jewish deli.
In addition to being a wife of “Shegetz” and momma to 3 AWESOME kidlets,  She is a serious writer.
Seriously.
She has no skills per se,  no real training, and she’s never published a thing, but she figures if she say it often enough and loud enough people will believe it. Or they will just agree with her to make her shut the fuck up. Either reason is good with her.
Oh, and she swears.
A lot.
If that offends you, she’s sorry.
Not for the swearing.
She’s sorry that you are so fucking uptight.
Life is short, People. Too short for political correctness and sweet talk.
What else? She’s a cartoonist. Another lie.
But she draws shit and she posts it for people to see. So that’s close enough. Her cartoons are typically about her family.
They are hysterically funny.
Ok… mildly amusing. Whatever.
It’s all semantics.
Anyhow, she’s very excited to be here at I’m a Jewish Mother, What’s Your Excuse?
She can’t wait to share bits and pieces of the misagose that is her life.
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15 Responses to “You Are Such a Bubbie | Lola is 40”

  1. cherie January 6, 2012 at 12:11 AM #

    Hi Lola:
    I love it, you and Jenny are very much alike. I guess I’m a Bubbie, although I like to think of myself as hot Bubbie. Just ask Jenny. Hope to read more or your shit.

    • Lori Stefanac January 6, 2012 at 1:39 AM #

      I have no doubt that you are a Hot Bubbie. I am also definitely be a Hot Bubbie. Or a BILF. You know, kinda like MILF…but even more disturbing. Yes. Please come back and read my shit. Please :)

      • Jenny From the Blog January 6, 2012 at 2:29 AM #

        You are hilarious Lori, ahem, Lola … even if you just called my mother a BILF!

        • Lori Stefanac January 6, 2012 at 1:35 PM #

          Isn’t she a BILF? MY mom is a BILF. Although she thinks it means, “A Bubbie I’d Love (as my) Friend”

  2. Alison@Mama Wants This January 6, 2012 at 12:17 AM #

    So can a Chinese 30-something acquire skills to sufficiently pass off as a Bubbie?

    • Lori Stefanac January 6, 2012 at 1:42 AM #

      Hey Girl, I happen to know you can Kibitz and kvetch with the best of us! AND you make a mean chocolate and sea salt cookie! It may not be rugelach (pronounced Rug-a-la) but you’ll get there!

  3. Gig January 6, 2012 at 1:28 AM #

    This was VERY enlightening…and I’m thinking I’ll fit in just fine here – even if I’m not Jewish.

    • Lori Stefanac January 6, 2012 at 1:48 AM #

      Gig,
      Judaism is more than just a religion. It’s a lifestyle.
      Nah, it’s a religion.
      But didn’t that sound convincing?
      I’ve learned that if I say things with conviction, as if I know what I’m talking about, often times people believe me.
      And if that doesn’t work…
      I SAY THE SAME THING AGAIN REALLY REALLY LOUDLY.
      And yes.
      You will fit in here just fine.

      • Lori Stefanac January 6, 2012 at 1:49 AM #

        By the way? I accidentally left out the ‘”i” in Gigi.
        Sorry!

  4. Wendy January 6, 2012 at 3:25 PM #

    This clears up a lot. When my Jewish friend called someone Bubbie I thought she was getting her Southern on by reaching for Bubba but not quite making it. Bubba Gump? Bubbie Gump? It’s an honest mistake. I live in Vancouver so, yeah, far away from the South.

    • Lori Stefanac January 6, 2012 at 6:04 PM #

      Wendy, so glad that this is proving to be educational. I am CLEARLY the best source for getting educated about Judaism. Does heavy sarcasm translate to type? No? Well, just in case it doesn’t? That was sarcastic :)

  5. Sandra January 6, 2012 at 10:37 PM #

    I love that you used the word mothafucka and bubbielicious in the same sentence. I think that sort of exempts you from the bubbie category. Love you here as much as at Lola is 40. You never disappoint my fine feathered friend!…ok, you aren’t feathered but if you’re going all bubbie-like on our asses, you’re sure to pull out a feather boa or a hat with big ol’ feathers.

    • Lori Stefanac January 7, 2012 at 12:14 AM #

      Sandra, I’m so happy to see you here. You know, figuratively. It’s not like that last time when I was watching you through binoculars. I don’t stalk you anymore. Ahem. Anyway, I would totally be a fine-feathered friend if my boa came with a tiara. Bubbilicious or not, I’m a PRINCESS at heart. Maybe a Jewish American Princess, but a Princess nonetheless!

  6. Lori Dyan January 9, 2012 at 12:08 PM #

    HA! This blog is fantastic! I love bubbies! My Jewish friend was visiting this week and we had the best time getting our bubbie on!
    p.s. your bio is hilarious
    p.p.s. of COURSE your name is Lori
    p.p.p.s. I bought her this hand sanitizer and I think you’d also love it: http://bit.ly/xDzZhy

  7. Lori Stefanac January 10, 2012 at 7:02 AM #

    Lori! So glad you came over to visit! OMG! That Fancy Schmantzy hand sanitizer is fricking hysterical! MUST get some!! LOVE!!

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