“Fuck,” as you know from the wildly popular “children’s tale,” Go the Fuck To Sleep, is a trending word. Everyone loves a good well placed “fuck.” It says, I’m irreverent, unstoppable, fearless, really funny, have spent time around truck drivers and on trend.
However, I went with the current title out of fear of attracting an unseemly crowd. Relax, I don’t find Jewish moms or their friends and neighbors unseemly. Well, except for the ones from West Virginia. Oh, don’t be so sensitive West Virginia. But, I will say that anyone searching the internet using the key word combination: Fuck, Jewish, and Mother, is either looking for this woman:
or is not someone I want to meet in my therapists office. Though I think they should be in therapy somewhere. I mean, they have some serious issues to work through, while I’m on the couch complaining about irrational fears and cellulite that multiplies faster than dirty laundry… oh, and dirty laundry.
Frankly, I would think most men would use the thought of their Jewish mother to last longer, not to get off.
And Jewish guys, like much of the gen pop, could use some help lasting longer.
Not that I’ve schtupped enough Jewish guys or the gen pop to confidently make that comment, but I’ve heard stories, and I have a ton of super slutty friends. (You know who you are!)
Because I bought the I’maJewishMother,WhatTheFuckIsYourExcuse.com domain and it does get you here, we can safely assume that there are a couple guys on the site right now looking to either last longer or get off. The latter have probably left, due to a lack of pictures of women making brisket in the nude, but there may be a guy reading this post while currently having sex who searched these terms to last longer. For you I have this:
(feel free to picture them naked if it helps… either way.)
Now, you owe me some answers, guy.
1. Why can’t you envision your mother in your mind like everyone else?
2. How did you get your spouse to allow you to surf the internet during sex?
My hubby gets mad when I watch TV during sex and he certainly doesn’t like when I do sudoku, make shopping lists or exfoliate. But you know what, that dead skin isn’t going to slough itself off.
Actually, I think that’s exactly what dead skin does, but I don’t have time to wait for that kind of natural phenomenon. It’s like when people say that ears are self cleaning organs. My ear has never taken a q-tip and shoved it in itself. Well, once.
Seriously, my marriage would be so much healthier if I could just comment on a few Facebook pics, send a witty tweet, watch a trending YouTube video about cats or follow up on an email during intercourse. Whose wouldn’t?
Let me be frank here. (‘cuz, I clearly haven’t so far.) Jewish women are multitaskers. We may want to look at Outnet.com’s “JustIn” section or maybe check Perez to see who Carnie Wilson ate to gain all the weight back. Hmmm?:
We can’t be expected to do our internet surfing when we’re in the middle of watching Rachel Zoe or Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, can we? We have to pay attention to what Rachel and Jiggy are wearing. Plus, that’s when we play Words with Friends.
That said, if you found me on a search of these terms, enjoy the anti-aphrodisiac effect of the site and send me your Words with Friends handle. I can pencil you in somewhere between foreplay (AKA my husband brushing his teeth) and climax.