The Jesus Question all Jews Dread | Jenny From the Blog

12 Jan

Written by Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog from The Suburban Jungle

This conversation occurred a couple days ago.  What it taught me? As my children get older, I’m less capable of competent parenting.

My Sassy 7 YO Little Girl:  Mom, see it’s after Christmas and they still have Jesus on their lawn. I told you they leave him out all year.

The one on the lawn was bigger.

“I guess you’re right.”

“Who’s the pretty girl with him in the pink dress?”

“That’s his mother, the virgin Mary, though I doubt her dress was pink.”

“The what Mary?”

“Umm just Mary” – Wow, it just dawned on me that Christian people have to broach the whole virgin/impregnation/immaculate conception thing rather early, huh? In my defense, I am currently broaching this conversation…

“Is Jesus dead?”

“Yes.”

“Then how do you know his mother?” she asked, as if we must have gone out for drinks at some time or at the very least met at Starbucks.

“Books.”

“What books?”

“The New Testament.”

“Are you reading it now?”

“No, I’m reading, Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? By ‘Kelly’ the from The Office.”

“Oh, do Jews not believe Jesus was a person?”

“No, they just don’t believe he was the son of G-d, but he did lots of good things.” I said, not totally sure what we

believe, but thinking it’s good to be even handed.  And of course, let’s not forget that little boy who was unconscious and saw Jesus and St. Peter and some other Saint peeps whose names I will certainly get wrong, so, I don’t want to offend anyone up there.  You know?

“I hear good things about him.  He’s got a pretty solid reputation.  I think he was like a healer.” I added.

Not exactly Jesus, huh?

“Like the guy from Groundhog Day?” My little imp said, as if the correlation was not at all suspect.

Wow, I did not see that coming. “Um, kinda. I mean, I don’t know if they use that comparison to make him more relatable in church. But sure, when the guy in Groundhog Day catches the kid who falls out of the tree, and saves the old guy day after day and fixes the tire for the elderly ladies, I guess.” (Not that I imagine Jesus jacking up a lot of cars in his day, but I bet he would’ve.)

Actually, I don’t know what he would’ve done. I feel like I should call my Rabbi or my Father or a FATHER.

I want to take a second and apologize to my Goyim readers.  (That’s yiddish for: those of you cringing)  I wish I could do better by you.

Not so Jesus-y either? Maybe it's the highlights.

I don’t know much about Jesus, minus what I learned from those commercials for The Church of Latter Day Saints and Jim Caviezel.

Then Beat It came on the radio and distracted us from our ecclesiastical confab.

Phew.

Little Princess:  “Is Michael Jackson dead? “

“Yeah.” I said.

Ugh, just when I thought I was out of the woods.

“He was a good man.” she stated confidently.

“Umm, sure.” I said, less assuredly.

“Well? Was he a good man? Did he do good things for people?” she asked offended.

“He was a great musician and I’m sure he gave to charities. And he really liked children.”

Then it dawned on me where this conversation may be going. Oh, please, please don’t say it. 

I turned the station in hopes of re-distracting her.  Papa Don’t Preach? Oh, come on. Madonna?  Really?  Now if I could get some Joan Osbourn and maybe Losing my Religion, I could ensure that we’ll never get off the topic.  

“So, was he a good guy, like…”

Here it comes.  I’m going to have to compare the King of Pop to the King of Kings.

“…  like the guy in Groundhog Day?”

Ahhh, incredibly awkward moment averted!

“Yep, honey he was.  He totally was”

“So, then he was like Jesus too?”

REALLY? REALLY?

“Hey honey, I Kissed a Girl is on, let’s listen to that.”

Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the creator of  the uproariously funny blog The Suburban Jungle.  She also ho’s herself out to a lot of parenting sites and does on air segments as a lifestyle expert, where she never uses the word “ho.”  She claims reading her blog will make you smarter, tanner and reduces cellulite.  At the very least it will keep you literate.

You can follow her @SuburbanJungle and @JewshMomGonWild

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20 Responses to “The Jesus Question all Jews Dread | Jenny From the Blog”

  1. Lori Stefanac January 12, 2012 at 8:29 AM #

    I love that your daughter compares Jesus to the guy in “Ground Hog Day”!
    Brilliant!!
    Is it wrong that in order to bypass the entire discussion I just tell my kids that Jesus is the guy who cuts our grass? And he prefers that we pronounce his name “Hey-Sus”.
    It’s not a lie.

    • Jenny From the Blog January 12, 2012 at 9:36 AM #

      I have no response Lori- You are so offensive and in such a likable way! That’s the highest compliment I can give.

  2. Lori Stefanac January 12, 2012 at 11:07 AM #

    Jenny, you should probably just have my email address permanently placed at the bottom of the blog, with the caption, “PLEASE SEND ALL HATE MAIL TO THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS”
    Trust me.
    It’ll save us all time.

  3. Tracy Beckerman January 12, 2012 at 11:13 AM #

    Wow.. you got the Jesus, sex, Michael Jackson conversation all handed to you in one 7 year-old swoop. Kudos to your daughter for aging you ten years in a ten minute conversation. My kids never asked about Jesus. The just wanted to know why Santa didn’t come to our house.

    • Jenny From the Blog January 12, 2012 at 1:19 PM #

      Please send all hate mail to Lola@lolais40.com

      Tracy – just tell them Santa is dead. That’s Lola@lolais40

      • Lori Stefanac January 12, 2012 at 3:09 PM #

        Throwing me under the bus already? It’s cool. It was bound to happen sooner or later. (was kinda hoping for later)

        • Jenny From the Blog January 12, 2012 at 4:18 PM #

          Why Wait?

  4. Alexandra January 12, 2012 at 1:15 PM #

    And my kids wanted the eight days of hannukah.

    GREAT POST.

    All your pots, I love them.

  5. Alexandra January 12, 2012 at 1:15 PM #

    …and not just your pots, your posts, too.

    xo

    • Jenny From the Blog January 12, 2012 at 1:20 PM #

      Alexandra- my pots are nice too! And let’s forget good china

  6. Lori January 12, 2012 at 1:22 PM #

    “As my children get older, I’m less capable of competent parenting”-You summed up in one sentence what I’ve been feeling for oh-so-long now. :) Thank you for that. :)
    Also love the “momnesia” I have to use that because my kids have told me that they’re afraid I’m getting Alzheimers because I can’t remember what they told me an hour ago. Now I can assure them that it’s not Alzheimers but rather the much less ominous “Momnesia” love it. :)
    As for the Jesus conversation, I was raised Catholic and I still can’t explain it all so you’re better than you think. :)

    • Jenny From the Blog January 12, 2012 at 1:24 PM #

      Oh, Lori, thank YOU. I feel much better, but you and I both know we’ll forget this thankfulness in like 10 minutes when we forget we ever had this conversation in the first place. So let’s just enjoy it…

  7. cherie January 12, 2012 at 1:26 PM #

    Funny, funny stuff. At least you didn’t get the sex discussion at the same time. She is way to advanced. But Bill Murray is not my ideal savior…

  8. wendy January 12, 2012 at 1:27 PM #

    Brilliant! Your diversionary tactics could totally be used by politicians everywhere.

    • Jenny From the Blog January 12, 2012 at 2:11 PM #

      Thank you Wendy – in the post tomorrow on my blog I will explain why becoming a politician late in life may be my only chance to fame.
      And Cherie AKA mom, Bill Murray certainly saved Ghost Busters II.

  9. Tressa January 12, 2012 at 1:28 PM #

    You know, having been raised Catholic and Baptist, I should know this for sure, but I think I should be offended that you kept saying Jesus is dead. I think he was “burried” in a cave and on the third day arose — but I don’t think I could handle what you’d say to the whole Zombie conversation — so technically he’s still alive. Anyhow, he arose (you know – Easter) and aside from his Dad (God), is the only one in heaven who’s actually still alive. Unless, of course, you get into the eternal life conversation.

    That said, the only thing I know about Jews (other then the rumor I heard that they killed my savior) is that the only one in my town in Nebraska is the rich ass hole who owns the McDonalds is one. So there’s not much sense in being offended, right?

    Funny post and the whole virgin thing is taught so young that it isn’t a sex discussion so much as just a fact of life. However, when I was seven, my Sunday school teacher was telling us how Elvis is spending eternity in hell because he had sex outside of marriage… Of course, that was the last time he was allowed to teach Sunday School. I’m still fuzzy if he was in more trouble with the Moms for consigning Elvis to hell and saying his music was the devils or if it was because the church suddenly had a dozen little kids asking what sex was and why it’d send you to hell.

    • Tracy Beckerman January 12, 2012 at 2:19 PM #

      Wow, Elvis taught at your Sunday School? That so cool!

    • Jenny From the Blog January 12, 2012 at 2:22 PM #

      See Tressa, I knew I would screw something up!!! That’s why it’s so hard to have a Jesus talk of any kind. From now on I’m sticking to things I know, guilt trips, an illogical sense of being able to control things, fear of horrifying yet unlikely occurrences, and Barbie Dolls.

  10. Bari January 12, 2012 at 6:17 PM #

    Is the “girl that got kissed” on the radio like Jesus too?

    • Jenny From the Blog January 12, 2012 at 6:25 PM #

      No that’s just Katy perry.

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