Written by Lori Stefanac of Lola is 40
So, I’m driving my 8 year old to a playdate when from the back seat I hear,
“Mom? I have a tingly feeling down there.”
Because I am driving the car, I cannot turn around to see which “down there” but I have the general idea.
I guess it’s time we had “the talk”.
Or at least a version of the talk.
Just wondering…WHY do these conversations always happen when I’m driving?
It’s the lack of eye contact, right?
Or do the kids just want to see if mere words can make me swerve off the road?
I tell myself to remain calm, speak matter-of-factly, and above all?
In my most responsible mature mommy voice I say,
“Well, Honey…I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Tingly feelings are normal. They are supposed to happen.”
Stupid speed bumps in our neighborhood. No wonder he’s all tingly.
Hell, I’M tingly.
I am totally making him sit on a pillow in the back seat from now on…
a home-made “shock absorber” if you will.
Then I won’t have to deal with my 8 year old’s “Tingly Bits”
My child continues,
“I don’t like it.”
Well, that’s encouraging…I guess.
Or is it?
He should LIKE it, right?
I mean, isn’t that what nature intended?
Could something be wrong with his little package?
I don’t know.
You’ll ask your husband later.
How am I supposed to field penis questions, anyway?
I try to be helpful.
“Ok. Well, if the tingly feeling doesn’t go away in a minute…you let me know”
Just bought myself a minute.
Now think, Lola.
What would YOUR parents say?
“Ummm, just don’t touch it and it will be okay”.
Should I add something about growing hair on his palms?
No. That might be too much.
We don’t want to freak the kid out.
Just want to keep his little hands out of his pants.
Then he says to me,
“I thought if I stomped on it a few times, I could make the tingly feeling go away but it’s not working”
Now I’m alarmed.
“Look Honey. I don’t know much about these sorts of things but I know one thing…
STOMPING on it is NOT a good idea.”
I want grandchildren someday.
“But stomping on it made the OTHER one stop tingling,” he says.
You have TWO?
“Other one?” I ask.
“Yeah” he says, “when I stomped on my OTHER foot, the tingling stopped”.
A wave of relief flows through my body and I let my breath out.
I hadn’t even realized I was holding it.
We are NOT talking about boy parts.
We are talking about feet.
Feet that have fallen asleep…
and feet that feel TINGLY.
“You know, I think you are right. STOMP on it! STOMP on that sucker like you’ve never STOMPED before. That will get rid of any unwanted tingly sensations.”
Well, I handled THAT situation flawlessly if I do say so myself.
My parenting skills reign supreme.
Now to find more speed bumps.