Tag Archives: satire

You May Just be a Jewish Redneck if…

17 Jan

Jenny From the Blog of  THE SUBURBAN JUNGLE

After Seeing Lori’s hilarious post yesterday, (Redneck Jews – Myth or Reality?) it got me thinking about Redneck Jews and yes, I’ve known quite a few in my day.  Pair that with my recent midlife crisis B-day post - 10 Things I Wanted to do With my Life and Clearly Never Will - where I decided I would follow in the footsteps of Jeff Foxworthy  (Oh, that really happened) and you get  this list for your enjoyment.

(For more of this list you can go to JewishRedneck.com. – Oh, that’s really a site)  I feel I got the best of the best, plus I added some of my own.  ENJOY! 

You May Just be a Jewish Redneck If…


-You know which brand of squeeze cheese is Kosher

- You have a gun rack in your Sukkah

- You don’t ride on Shabbat because your car has a boot on it

- You think that a hora is a high priced call girl

- You wear shit kickers to synagogue

- You think that “KKK” means really really Kosher

- Your favorite Passover snack is spam on wonder

- You’re disappointed when your son tells you he wants to be a doctor or a lawyer, and not a NASCAR driver

- Matzo Balls are the most solid things you can eat with your tooth

- Your yard has car parts lying around to Volvo’s, BMW’s, and Porshe’s

- Your Seder plate has a picture of Elvis on it.

- You open the door for Elijah at Passover and have to chase away possums.

- You turn off your bug zapper on Friday night.

- You use dynamite in the pond to get gefilte fish.

- You request your Rabbi to certify roadkill as kosher.

- You know how to play Hava Nagila on the banjo.

- “Larry the Mohel Guy” ‘nuff said.

- Your yarmulke has fishing lures stuck in it.

- Your tallis is camouflage

- You store left over matzoth ball soup in old Cool Whip containers.

- You play drinking games with your dreidel.

- You had a combination Bat Mitzvah / Wedding.

- You painted over letters on your Toyota pickup’s tailgate so it now says OY.

- Your synagogue used to have wheels, but now it’s up on blocks.

- You end all prayers with “get er done” instead of Amen

Feel free to  comment and tell me your favorite one or write your own You may be a Jewish Redneck ifs…

Share

Redneck Jews – Myth or Reality?

15 Jan

Written By:  Lori Stefanac of Lolais4o.com

So my husband sends me a text from work this week,

Husband: “Do me a solid. Look into PBR for the weekend.”

Me: “I have no idea what that is. But I will do you this solid. With the understanding that, of course, you will owe me a solid.”

Hubby: “Understood. A solid is owed.”

I take a few moments to Google PBR.

Turns out?

It’s a rodeo. Professional Bull Riders.

This is SO my thing (detect heavy sarcasm, here)

I read the description.

Great. Not only is this a rodeo (see above sarcastic comment regarding this being my thing) BUT as an added plus the event is featuring a Pastor who will be delivering his spiritual message, followed by the live music of a Christian band. To cap off the night? Stories of faith by the bull riders.

Look People, I’m Jewish. And I don’t judge other people’s religions but really?

This is just not appealing to me.

Call me crazy but I’m a tad uncomfortable being the only Jew in a room other than the guy nailed to the cross.

What? Jesus humor’s not funny? Email me at Lolais40@gmail.com. You probably know it by heart by now. God knows you’ve used it before. Oops. Lord’s name in vain. I’m sure that’s another email.

I text my husband all of the details surrounding the event.

Husband: “WHATTHEFUCK? Ok. Let’s look into something else. What’s going on in the world of NASCAR?”

Me: “Really? Kinda had enough of NASCAR with the pre-race prayers to Jesus, cars donning their Confederate flags and drivers with names like White Boy. L’Shana Tova, Y’all! I’m sort of surprised that they don’t hand out yellow ‘Star of David’ arm bands with their t-shirts and beer koozies.”

Offended again? Already? Pissy today, aren’t we? Well, refer to the above email address. I’m awaitin’. That’s hillbilly speak for “I look forward to hearing from you”.

Husband: “I agree. If our boys are going to be exposed to anyone’s deluded belief system, it’s going to be MY deluded belief system. So what can we do in Charlotte that doesn’t involve being prejudice against other religious groups?”

Although I’m not sure that a love of all things Harley and “Big Block” constitute an actual belief system, I’m not going to argue.

Me: “It’s tough since we are one of those rare Red Neck Jewish families. You know, sort of a myth like Sasquatch but actually real. So maybe more like the platypus. You know, rare and strange.”

Husband: “I’m leaving it up to you to make some good wholesome non-religious family plans for us.”

Me: “How about the zoo? I hear most of the animals are Atheists. Except that small radical sect of Muslim Penguins. But I hear they are on the no fly list, so it’s cool.”

Email, Fuckers.

Husband: “You should blog that.”

Me: “Really? Did I make you laugh?”

Husband: “No, but it seems this might be the kind of shit your readers like.”

Me: “I’m way ahead of you. It’s as good as blogged. So, can I blog about your penis while I’m at it?”

Husband: “Why the hell would you want to do that?”

Me: “It’s not for me. It’s the PEOPLE. They demand it. It always comes back to the penis. Besides, I feel like certain things need to be explained. Like how we are a hybrid between Jewish Girl and Red Neck Man…resulting in Jews who attend rodeos and NASCAR races. It bears explaining. Especially the part where I talk about you converting to Judaism and being circumsized.”

Husband: “Do you really think people need to hear about my circumcision?”

Me: “Definitely. Especially when I tell the part about the Moyel being completely unprepared for the large task at hand, and how it took him like ALL DAY to circumsize you, and then he had to retire because he would never be the same after seeing your rod, as it was kind of like seeing the face of God…you know…how some things are just not meant for the human eye to see? Too awesome and shit. See how good I make you look?”

Husband: “Ok. Go for it. Just make sure you don’t forget the huge part.”

Me: “I got you covered.”

Husband: “Too much texty. Not enough worky. I’ll talk to you later.”

And that, my friends is just a glimpse into the lives of “The Real Redneck Jews of Charlotte”.

Of course, that’s just the working title.

Yeah…I’m still working on that whole Reality t.v. thing.

Thought I could ride the “Real Housewives” coattail.

But until I can make this happen?

You’ll just have to be satisfied with Lola.

Shalom Y’all!

And YEEEHAWWW!!

About the Author:  Lori Stefanac is the creator of the wildly amusing humor blog, Lolais40. She is a happily married Jewish mommy with 3 boys.  She has no skills per se,  no real training, and she’s never published a thing, but she figures if she say it often enough and loud enough people will believe it. Or they will just agree with her to make her shut the fuck up. Either reason is good with her.

Share

Social Widgets powered by AB-WebLog.com.