So my husband sends me a text from work this week,
Husband: “Do me a solid. Look into PBR for the weekend.”
Me: “I have no idea what that is. But I will do you this solid. With the understanding that, of course, you will owe me a solid.”
Hubby: “Understood. A solid is owed.”
I take a few moments to Google PBR.
It’s a rodeo. Professional Bull Riders.
This is SO my thing (detect heavy sarcasm, here)
I read the description.
Great. Not only is this a rodeo (see above sarcastic comment regarding this being my thing) BUT as an added plus the event is featuring a Pastor who will be delivering his spiritual message, followed by the live music of a Christian band. To cap off the night? Stories of faith by the bull riders.
Look People, I’m Jewish. And I don’t judge other people’s religions but really?
This is just not appealing to me.
Call me crazy but I’m a tad uncomfortable being the only Jew in a room other than the guy nailed to the cross.
What? Jesus humor’s not funny? Email me at Lolais40@gmail.com. You probably know it by heart by now. God knows you’ve used it before. Oops. Lord’s name in vain. I’m sure that’s another email.
I text my husband all of the details surrounding the event.
Husband: “WHATTHEFUCK? Ok. Let’s look into something else. What’s going on in the world of NASCAR?”
Me: “Really? Kinda had enough of NASCAR with the pre-race prayers to Jesus, cars donning their Confederate flags and drivers with names like White Boy. L’Shana Tova, Y’all! I’m sort of surprised that they don’t hand out yellow ‘Star of David’ arm bands with their t-shirts and beer koozies.”
Offended again? Already? Pissy today, aren’t we? Well, refer to the above email address. I’m awaitin’. That’s hillbilly speak for “I look forward to hearing from you”.
Husband: “I agree. If our boys are going to be exposed to anyone’s deluded belief system, it’s going to be MY deluded belief system. So what can we do in Charlotte that doesn’t involve being prejudice against other religious groups?”
Although I’m not sure that a love of all things Harley and “Big Block” constitute an actual belief system, I’m not going to argue.
Me: “It’s tough since we are one of those rare Red Neck Jewish families. You know, sort of a myth like Sasquatch but actually real. So maybe more like the platypus. You know, rare and strange.”
Husband: “I’m leaving it up to you to make some good wholesome non-religious family plans for us.”
Me: “How about the zoo? I hear most of the animals are Atheists. Except that small radical sect of Muslim Penguins. But I hear they are on the no fly list, so it’s cool.”
Husband: “You should blog that.”
Me: “Really? Did I make you laugh?”
Husband: “No, but it seems this might be the kind of shit your readers like.”
Me: “I’m way ahead of you. It’s as good as blogged. So, can I blog about your penis while I’m at it?”
Husband: “Why the hell would you want to do that?”
Me: “It’s not for me. It’s the PEOPLE. They demand it. It always comes back to the penis. Besides, I feel like certain things need to be explained. Like how we are a hybrid between Jewish Girl and Red Neck Man…resulting in Jews who attend rodeos and NASCAR races. It bears explaining. Especially the part where I talk about you converting to Judaism and being circumsized.”
Husband: “Do you really think people need to hear about my circumcision?”
Me: “Definitely. Especially when I tell the part about the Moyel being completely unprepared for the large task at hand, and how it took him like ALL DAY to circumsize you, and then he had to retire because he would never be the same after seeing your rod, as it was kind of like seeing the face of God…you know…how some things are just not meant for the human eye to see? Too awesome and shit. See how good I make you look?”
Husband: “Ok. Go for it. Just make sure you don’t forget the huge part.”
Me: “I got you covered.”
Husband: “Too much texty. Not enough worky. I’ll talk to you later.”
And that, my friends is just a glimpse into the lives of “The Real Redneck Jews of Charlotte”.
Of course, that’s just the working title.
Yeah…I’m still working on that whole Reality t.v. thing.
Thought I could ride the “Real Housewives” coattail.
But until I can make this happen?
You’ll just have to be satisfied with Lola.
About the Author: Lori Stefanac is the creator of the wildly amusing humor blog, Lolais40. She is a happily married Jewish mommy with 3 boys. She has no skills per se, no real training, and she’s never published a thing, but she figures if she say it often enough and loud enough people will believe it. Or they will just agree with her to make her shut the fuck up. Either reason is good with her.