Tag Archives: anxiety

My Husband Told Me I Can Sleep With Eminem

27 Feb


written by Jen Ross from Don’t Wear Sweats or Your Husband Will Leave You

I had a dream.  My husband and I are in Detroit eating at a restaurant.  Eminem approaches our table.  He turns to my husband and says, “I will sing two songs at your son’s Bar Mitzvah if I can have one night with your wife.”  Shocked, my husband and I turn to each other and he says “See you in the morning honey.  I think I am going to sleep in, so be quiet when you come back.”

So Eminem and I head back to his mansion.  I think we are going to get nasty together, but really he talks to me about his mother all night, he starts sobbing, and I end up rocking him back and forth in my arms.

I make him assure me that he will still sing at Ben’s Bar Mitzvah.

I wake up from that dream with one question on my mind.  Would Eminem have been good in bed?

No, not really.  I ask myself a question I am always struggling with.  How far should parents go to please their kids?  When my son was a baby and wouldn’t sleep, I would take him in the car, in the middle of winter, and drive him around until he fell asleep.

When my daughter is having a tantrum, and I should send her to her room, I offer up ice cream.

We all do so much for our kids.  We want them to be happy.  But am I making them happy, or spoiled jerks?  I think they might be happy jerks.

As parents, we aren’t doing our kids much good giving into every whim just because we want them to be happy.  It is our job to teach them they can’t get everything they want, things aren’t always going to be this easy, and it’s okay if you aren’t always happy.  If we don’t do this job now, they will enter the big mean world and expect everything to be handed to them.

They won’t want to work for anything, they will end up coming back to live with you, and then you will have to start all over just when you and your husband started enjoying the sweet taste of freedom.

So if your kids are being a jerks, discipline them, if they want the newest gadget, make them earn it.

And on a personal level, Eminem, if you are reading this, I am still available, and I would like you to sing “Lose Yourself”, and “Not Afraid” on Nov. 3 of this year.

Superficial Tip:  With all the money you are saving now that you have stopped buying stuff for your kids, go out and buy yourself something pretty as a reward for being such a good mom.  One of my favorite shopping sites: asos.com

Jen Ross has 3 kids, 2 dogs, a husband of 15 years and an emormous amount of material to share. She is also the author of the book “Don’t Wear Sweats Or Your Husband Will Leave You.”  Don’t take the title to seriously, she’s wearing sweats right now and she’s almost positive her husband is still committed.


Surfing the Internet While Schtupping – a Multitasker’s Dream

4 Jan

A little history on this new blog that has – umm – little history:  this blog was originally named  ImAJewishMotherWhattheFuckisYourExcuse.com  Over the top? 

“Fuck,” as you know from the wildly popular “children’s tale,” Go the Fuck To Sleep, is a trending word.  Everyone loves a good well placed “fuck.” It says, I’m irreverent, unstoppable, fearless, really funny, have spent time around truck drivers and on trend.

However, I went with the current title out of fear of attracting an unseemly crowd.  Relax, I don’t find Jewish moms or their friends and neighbors unseemly.  Well, except for the ones from West Virginia.  Oh, don’t be so sensitive West Virginia.  But, I will say that anyone searching the internet using the key word combination: Fuck, Jewish, and Mother, is either looking for this woman: [...]


A Jewish Mom Gone Mild – I Mean – WILD

1 Jan


This isn't even me and unlike this guy, my husband does not look like an ogre who could eat me..

This is my alter-ego.  The me who says it all with no holds barred.  I’m so not telling you who I am… or at least until this thing takes off, but let’s just say I’m Uber famous.

Yeah, let’s say that.

I mean why not.

Of course with all my wealth I can’t afford a computer that puts the two dots over the U in uber, which by the way are called umlaut-dots.  I know this because I am also uber smart and know how to search things on Google.  But you know what, those umlauts can go fuck themselves.  Oh yeah, I said that, and I cuss too.

They weren't so chipper when I told them to Fuck Off

Yep, like a truck driver.

Without provocation.

When it doesn’t even fit the story.

Gratuitously… Like Halle Berry’s nude scenes in “Swordfish” or Paris Hilton’s nude scenes in her texting video, I mean sex tape.

See, I would never tell umlauts to fuck themselves in real life for fear that one might beat me up or worse, not like me.  But anonymous alter egos can do lots of shady shit.

For instance:  [...]


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