Barbie and I Can’t Get Our Skinny Jeans Over our Thighs

2 Feb

Written by Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog of The Suburban Jungle

So, yesterday while trying to dress my daughter’s Barbie in a stunning pair of silver lamé jeans, I realized they were not going to go over her thighs. What was it? Had she gained a few? Was it her time of the month? All I know is, this scene seemed oddly familiar. Trying to yank some slim pants over unyielding thighs… where have I seen that before? Oh right, my closet for the last year and a half, that’s where. At first I felt a tinge of pity for Barbie. I breathed an empathetic sigh as I resolved to get those once fitting lamé pants over her rubber legs. It felt like trying to pull up a wet bathing suit on dry land… no budge. Maybe a little Crisco would work? Wait, does that mean I should be buttering up my legs to get those J Brand Cigarette jeans back in the rotation? Well, in lieu of greasing her down, I accepted the fact that this chick needed to drop a few. It was then that I felt an odd sense of camaraderie. You know like I could look in her painted on Barbie eyes and say:

“Yeah, I know, it sucks right? You and your hot pants with the built in belt and me with my skinny jeans… we’re quite the pair. Remember the old days? You know when we could eat anything and still make Ken’s head turn?  Oh, to be young again. What are you now Barbie, like 50? Seriously, you look good girl. You shouldn’t be looking at me with those sad eyes.
Sure, they gave you a breast reduction, but frankly those things were getting in the way of your modern career options. Pro tennis player, Doctor, Veterinarian, Lawyer, no one could take you seriously with those measurements. As soon as they started calling you an “airline attendant” instead of a “stewardess,” your days with those puppies were numbered. Now look at us? A couple of has been sexpots zipping our pants with a pair of pliers. What have we resorted to? Barbie, this may be a touchy subject but, I saw you throwing up the other day after my daughter fed you that plastic turkey at a pretend dinner party. I saw you and so did that token brunette Barbie, what’s her face, it was an embarrassment and an eye-opener.”

After our “moment” of bonding, I felt something I never expected… joy. Yep, that’s where I think the story gets sick. (I know you may have had that thought a while back when I outed Barbie as a bulimic.) But, for me it got a bit alarming when I felt a sudden trace of delight in Barbie’s pain. Like, “Wahoo, I’m not the only one assessing my need to go back to the gym. Now, you know what it feels like Barbie! You and your perfect hair and your perfect tan, you’re not so perfect anymore. So, suck it!” I don’t know what this all says about me, other than my need for a new workout regimen and a visit to my therapist. I like to think that I’m usually a person who is excited over other people’s accomplishments, beautification-wise and otherwise, but I realized there is some evil part of me that enjoyed watching someone else deal with less efficient metabolism and a thigh complex, even if that someone was Barbie.

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4 Responses to “Barbie and I Can’t Get Our Skinny Jeans Over our Thighs”

  1. Ann Marie February 2, 2012 at 8:44 AM #

    Great post! You had me at Barbie. I’ve been a huge fan since age 5. We’ve grown up together. I still strive to keep up with her girlish figure while fight the battle of gravity and age. Thank you for your fun realistic post. I look forward to reading more :-)

    • Jenny From the Blog February 2, 2012 at 9:22 AM #

      Thanks Ann Marie – I too grew up with Barbie, maybe I was happy to see her struggle cuz she’s had it so easy all these years. Barely aging, a hot boyfriend, a convertible, a town house, a camper, a ship, a private jet. I mean who does she think she is Angelina Jolie?

  2. Lori Stefanac February 2, 2012 at 10:57 AM #

    I’m just glad I’m not the only Bitch on the wrong side of 40 who can no longer get into her skinny jeans without working up a sweat first. And yes, I still wear them. As hideous and obscene as they look on my wide, flat mom ass…I ROCK those fuckers! It’s all in the attitude anyway, isn’t it?

    • Jenny From the Blog February 2, 2012 at 2:25 PM #

      Totally attitude, you have to keep pliering yourself in those things, cuz when you stop, well it’s a sign that you’ve given up. Next thing you know you’ll be in high wasted mommy jeans and carry a fanny pack because, it truly is convenient for all your must haves: Chapstick, a mini pack of Kleenex, a couple floating Advil, and a snack.

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