A Shampoo By Any Other Name

16 Feb

Written by Tracy Beckerman from Lost in Suburbia

“What’s in the bag?” I asked my mother as she got into the car following her trip to my hair salon.  Whenever my mom comes to visit me from Florida, our first stop is always the hair salon. It must be a Jew thing because whenever the snowbirds fly up North, the first thing they do is get their hair colored.  She claims that the Florida sun bleaches out her hair, but I think she just wants to make sure if she runs into any other alter cockers up here that she knows, they will think she looks faboosh.

“I got some new shampoo,” she said with some excitement.  “My old shampoo was terrible.  It really dried out my hair.”

“What brand were you using?” I asked.  She thought for a moment.  She seemed unable to come up with the name.

“Um… Freaken shampoo,” she finally said.

I snorted.  I knew she meant a different shampoo, but had mangled the name.  My mother was notorious for this but she denyed it vehemently, so I decided to have a little fun with her.

“So that freakin’ shampoo dried out your hair?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said.

“Did you try using some freakin’ conditioner,” I asked.

“Yes, but it’s too heavy,” she said. “It weighs down my hair.”

“You know, Mom,” I said smiling, “If the freakin’ shampoo you’re using dries out your hair, you can try another freakin’ shampoo.  Maybe some other freakin’ shampoo would work better for you.  There’s a whole line of freakin’ shampoos out there you can get.”

“That’s true,” she said.

“And you might want to try some freakin’ conditioner, too.” I suggested.  “Just ‘cause one freakin’ conditioner doesn’t work for you, doesn’t mean there isn’t some other freakin’ conditioner that would help your hair.”

“I do use a Freaken hair gel, that is pretty good,” said my mother.  “I don’t like the Freaken mousse, but the Freaken gel gives my hair lots of body.”

“What about the freakin’ hair spray,” I asked.

“I don’t really like the smell,” she responded.”

“But all the freakin’ products have the same freakin’ smell,” I said.  “The freakin’ hairspray smells like the freakin’ shampoo.”

“Really?” she said.  “I like the smell of the Freaken shampoo.”

I laughed out loud.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

“This whole freakin’ conversation!” I shouted.  She stared at me as though I’d lost my mind.

“We’re just talking about shampoo,” she said.

“Freakin’ shampoo,” I clarified.

“Right,” she said.

“Freakin’ shampoo and freakin’ conditioner and freakin’ hair gel and freakin’ hair spray.”

“Yeah…?” she wondered.

“There is no FREAKEN shampoo,” I said.  “You combined John FRIEDA and REDKEN to make Freaken!”

I saw understanding creep across her face and I cracked up.  She looked at me and raised one eyebrow.

“You know what, Tray?” she said.

“What, Mom?”

“You’re a freakin’ pain in the neck.”

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11 Responses to “A Shampoo By Any Other Name”

  1. Lori Stefanac February 16, 2012 at 12:48 PM #

    This is AWESOME! I love it!
    I remember WAYYY back to my college years, when I was at my parents home for Spring Break.
    My parents had just built a new house on a heavily wooded lot with quite a bit of wildlife.
    My dad was telling me how the deer in their backyard kept eating all of the flowers that my mom had planted.
    “Yeah,” he said, “those deer are such a pain in the neck….
    Or as your mom refers to them…those FUCKIN’ DEER!”
    Until that moment, I didn’t even think my mom knew that word.
    Years later, my mom is a Bubbie and she still battles it out every spring with those “fuckin’ deer”.
    Gotta love a Bubbie who drops the f-bomb.

    • Tracy Beckerman February 16, 2012 at 1:51 PM #

      My mother doesn’t curse unless under extreme duress so it was that much funnier to hear her keep calling the shampoo, Freakin’ Shampoo. I, on the other hand, curse with such alarming frequency that sh*t was one of my son’s first words. So much for my Mother of the Year award.

  2. Wanda Argersinger February 16, 2012 at 2:30 PM #

    Absolutely love it. BTW – I tried freakin shampoo and think is stinks. I like the other freakin shampoo.

    • Tracy Beckerman February 16, 2012 at 10:47 PM #

      I’ll use any freakin’ shampoo we have in the house!

  3. Jenny From the Blog February 16, 2012 at 3:03 PM #

    That was really freakin’ funny!!! Why is it that it’s so fun to poke fun at our moms? Mine would have ended with the same thing and followed with , “oh, Jenny leave me alone.” or “You think you’re really funny right?” -Yep, yep mom, I do!

    • Tracy Beckerman February 16, 2012 at 10:42 PM #

      I could write a whole blog about my mother and have a new post every single day. She is a hoot. And she makes a mean brisket!, too! :)

  4. justkeepinitrealfolks February 16, 2012 at 3:21 PM #

    How did your mother like the freakin’ hair color and the freakin’ hair salon and the freakin’ hair stylist?

  5. Cindy Dwyer February 16, 2012 at 8:12 PM #

    It must be a “Mom thing”. The other day, mine tried to tell me that my aunt and uncle had rented an iPod to move their furniture to their new house. Mom thought this was a bad idea because they would have to unload everything themselves.

    She had no clue what I was talking about when I said, “Too bad Apple hasn’t developed an App yet to download everything right into their living room.”

    • Tracy Beckerman February 16, 2012 at 10:46 PM #

      That is hilarious! My mom once asked my dad to fix a squeaky door hinge with some UB40. We assured her that a reggae band would probably not want to come over to fix our rusty hardware.

  6. Lisa Tognola February 20, 2012 at 11:07 AM #

    If it’s not one thing it’s your mother. :) Congrats on your new blog!

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